bekahkahjew

i went to the doctor on wednesday and i am almost 6 weeks pregnant. nate and i are moving the wedding date not sure to what yet. ill keep everyone updated.

so thursday we pt in the money for the wedding so the venue is all taken care of next step invatations. im so excited. july 2,2010 we have the hall from 3 til 11.

so kimba is very pregnant again right when we were going to get her fixed and found out she is prego so fuck that sucks. we kicked John out Kati is moving in with da baby which rocks my socks and alison is temporarily flopping on da couch for a fee. which makes us 100% safe for rent and everything (i's hope) nate and i are great his court date is tomorrow and i hope that goes well and we kidsa has internets cuz of alison so its temporary as well which is better than non existent and my mom has a facebook and is having way to much fun with it. i have decided way to many people are way to twofaced than i can except and am quite upset about it and have in the past week or so told bout 10 people to leave me alone cause if everything they say is a lie i really dont want to hear it. thats my life and my story i am stickin to its.

So in the past week I have gotten about 20 hours of sleep, had almost no food, had my medicine stolen from me, been a chauffeur for good cause but, it is still straining, gotten into an argument with nate cause i want to kick john out and nate wont let me and all of this seems so miniscule compare to the worst of it. Monday I woke up and I was lying next to Pugsley my 5 week old kittten and he wan't alive any longer. and i punched a wall while guilt full and broke my knuckles. i am having the worst week of my life and its not getting any better.

soooo...lj tells me its been 13 weeks since ive updated so its time to do so again i suppose lol. well really all thats happened is ive been a real fucking loner lately. i've decided with the way people are becoming that its better for me to just stay home. (im not saying all people cause obviously i give a damn if you are on my friends list and stuff). But mostly ive been at home usually alone watching the same movies over and over. but don't feel bad for me tho I am upset that to do this ive been neglecting friends i actually want to see ive been doing good. nate and i are engaged planning o haveing the wedding july 2, 2010 if all works out and im all applied for disability so hopefully that works out for me. the only person i am ever really around is kati and da baby cause hes just tooooo cute. i go to kareoke every monday night at ruiz in florissant and everyother weekend we gets ahnika who is also toooo cute. but if i havent seen u in a while and u want to contact me do so... i have given up on trying because im not sure who is just ignoring me or is truely to busy. number is still the same 477-9332. love u all.

friday im having my bday party. call me if u want to go...i dont want lots of ppl here cuz its at my apartment and its tiny. so if i say no please do not be upset its just cuz theres to many people. saturday is my actual bday and i am going to the drinking horn i think so call me if u wanna go there to. 314-477-9332 as an update i am doing relatively good. ive had some bad things latelly i was diognosed with fibromyalgia and i am waith]ing for a heart monitor that i will have to wear all the time and because of all of this my doctors are still telling me i cant work which sucks but its impossible to find a job now as it is so i guess its saving me the stress of constant job rejection. but luckily i guess fibromyalgia is recognized as a disabilty supposedly so i am working on all of that as well. thats my bad news stuff which isnt new its just names added to on going issues. as far as happy stuff goes not only is it my bday soon but i am actually really happy. nate and are are (not only as a figure of speech) BETTER THAN EVER! i mean because of our past that u all know about i could never fully put myself in our relationship because it was a rocky begining and now we have financial problems but we are steady we have everything we need and can also afford to support our bad habits. so i mean thats good. and after a long time of withdrawing myself because im afraid to get hurt i finally realized to just let everything take its natural course. i am madly in love with him and him with me. we may not be talking about or even hoping for white dreeses and isles but, we are in love and i think it took me so long to even try to believe it for any reason that as soon as i decided i didnt care if we were in love i realized how much we are....whoa sorry i went on a mushy tangent i appologize. i just feel like a huge weight recently was lifted off of my shoulders and i feel amazing as of late. even with all of the bad things in life i have my love, i have amazing friends food in my belly and a roof over my head and i decided no matter how much i wanted that to m=not be enough because i refused to believe that life could be that simple it is.

so nate decided he needs something new but wants to still be with me. and its all because gypsii and christmas broke up and he wants to date her. and she iniciated it. so i obviously am no longer friends with her anymore and the thing is her and aj r on a break and the first thing she does is go after his best friend and my boyfriend. so from monday til thursday night i will not be here while i think and i wont have the phone. but if u need me u can call it and nate will know where i am so he can let me know u called. i feel completely broken heart mind and soul. i can't handle this. he wants to date other people and i told him until i change my mind he gets a month and thats it. i cant trust anyone anymore. and the few i could are leaving or already gone. i hate myself for letting this happen i should have never have fallen for him and once this is over im done. i don't ever want to fall in love again. this is all it brings and i can't do this again. EVER! im completely gone.

So Nate and I are moving into a 2 bedroom townhouse in St. Peters in begining- mid August. and our 1 year anniversary is July 2nd. So I am all kinds of excited. well im bored constantly so people should call me and hang out sometime.

so im working at taco bell again...my kitty had kittens 5 of em. and we are trying to get rid of them if anyones interested. but beside that i have nothing. my life is boring.

so kimba is in labor...so far 5 kittens. yay for kittens

so i saved a 5 week old puppy and its staying at my parents. he is a black lab st. bernard mix and his name is rollie like from 101 dalmations cause hes fat n looks like him

this is an actual journal entry so if u only read ljs for updates then this won't be very interesting
ive decided to make a wish list that would be goals but i feel like i don't have control over it

-i wish that since we probably aren't able to move out yet we can use the bit of money to for sure go to acen
-i wish that nate won't stay at christmas' house all night sunday because i can't sleep without him here
-i wish that i was feeling better so i could pick my check up from otg cause nate and i don't have food or money
-i wish that i could go to my doctor so i could get "fixed"
-i wish i didn't worry so much
-i wish that my life didn't seem so empty except for him
-i wish that i didn't have to wait for everything
-i wish that i wasn't still sick so i could get a job that i could keep -i wish that i didn't have to fuck up every h good thing and relationship that i have so that all this won't matter

so friday morning will told us we have til sunday morning to get out...sooo instead of having an extra 5 days we had no time at all. luckily bubbles assisted me in packing. so nate and I are back at his parents house for now. but its kinda shitty he gave us 2 days warning "i know you both work but u have 48 hours to leave...such bs. im kind of pissed right now...n i confronted nate about his lying to me about kristi. i was drunk n he was telling me he wants to put a picture of her on our wall. and i just blatenly said fuck no. i restrained myself quite a bit because trust me i have plenty more to say about their so called "friendship". but i can't control his life but i did tell him if he wants to see her and im not at work he has to tell me. if im at work he has to tell me that he did like asap. because i dont like or trust that girl. someone who your bf is in love with and she has admitted she'll do about anything to break us up how can i trust the "friendship"? sorry i know everyone has heard all this but this is my only journal and im tired of holding shit in all the time.

so its my birthday techincally yayness...uhhh like i posted b4 saturday im havin a party so call me and come to it.

saturday the 16th will be my bday party call me on nates cell to lemme know if u wanna go.u know the rules no drama n dont bring anyone i dont like.

i just gots my $2500 check today woohoo. and i got a job yesterday everything is looking up lately.

so its Melissa's 18th birthday. its like 5 am almost i need to be up at like 9 so i can take Nate to the bank, cash his check grab the only prolly maybe $50 worth of food i can for 3 ppl for 2 weeks. then drive to st. Charles and help Missa get ready for dinner with her gma and I and that will be fun. ease my mind a little bit. I've been a bit off. like not depressed but worried. I'm scared cause my check hasn't come in yet, i have exactly 2 weeks to find a place to go, I'm not going to be able to eat for more than like 3 days then start scrounging for food. I hope my check comes in soon. I really need it lately. for a home or food or God I don't even now. $2500 seems like a lot but it soooo is not. I am just stressed lately. and on top of that Yashuk has been hitting on Melissa and like i said its her 18th bday today he's 23. and shes y sister who i asked not to even start with that b4 it happened not to develop a crush on or anything cause i saw it 10 million miles away. and i am not happy with it. just theres somethings bout it that i know that make me very nervous. oh well. thats bout the extent of my venting for now. maybe more later if i still cant sleep.

so...i havent posted much lately. with the exception of the usual insomnia and occasional argument with nate everything has been really good for me. i am getting a check for $2500 cause of a car accident i got in in april and well everything is going real well. with that money me n nate are hoping to get our own place. which i am excited about. my own place. that check is more than enough for a down payment and first monthes rent. so yay. either that or im still trying to convince him to go on vacation with me maybe disney land lol....i wish. no its was much needed free money. and we really have been hurting for money so it be nice...plus as soon as i actually find a job and im not spending that check til we get a place then me n him are set and it will help out with some of our stress induced arguing. hes working all the time to ry n take care of both of us i cant find a job n now things are getting better. im happy. and not to sound emo but for once im actually happy. theres usually one thing or another that gets in the way of that. but now im actually happy things are falling together quite nicely. so yayness.

if u r planning on coming tomorrow let me know. im wanting to know who is coming n what not.

wednesday night everyone who is wanting just to come and hang out with there friends and have a good time should come over to nate, will and I's apartment because its the holidays n well mostly will is outta town n said i could do whatever i want so come over party and love me.lol. i dont want to sound like a stick in the mudd but unless u know its like an uber obvious of couse they can come call if u want to bring someone i dont know very well. after our last party where ppl fought n disrespected me and my home im gonna be very willing to be a bitch if shit happens like that again. i just want my friends to come over and have a good time with each other. its byob mostly cause i am unemployed so if u can bring anything to contribute it be awsome if not ur pressence alone is more than good enough. i hope too see u all. u will be recieving phone calls most likely because i miss my friends being together n what not. this party if ppl show will possibly be through the weekend. so between wednesday night through saturday ( exception on saturday i will be in st. charles and nate works all day so after like 8 or 9 ill be home.) but i just want to see all my friends n hang out it be the bestest gift ever (no guilt or anything to show up tho lol.)