bekahkahjew

well we moved into Adams house on edgeworth. we got married 11-28. we have a baby due 3-30-10. my baby shower is 2-27-2010. and i have been so busy that other than this and saying how excited and blessed we feel i have no idea what else to post. but, im alive and doing very well. hope everyone else is feeling bout the same.

okay so its been a rough few weeks. i have to see a geneticist cause something might be wrong with Alex. but my car broke down so i had to cancel the appointment cause i dont have a car to go. i was going to enroll in school for the fall semester but, i dont know if im going to be able to. i might have to force my body into being able to work jobs that i physically don't know if i can. but, i need to try. but right now i need to just put down a list.

* get car fixed
we are almost 100% sure whats wrong and have the money to fix it but, the whole situation is being pussyfooted around.

* reschedual geneticist appointment.

*finish nursery
we have everything to do it with but, mom doesnt have that much time to help between work, church and everything else.

* figure out whats going on with the second car.

* see if anyone is going to celebrate my birthday with me this year because so far its not looking that way. and my birthday is on the 14th. and its my 21st.

I just want everything to be done and over with and just be a waiting game of seeing when Alex finally shows up and we can move on to the next list.

i am so fed up with hearing people talk to me like im a terrible person. ive not been the best person i could be in my life but, name one person who has and i will take back every word i say here. nate and i's relationship is our life. it has nothing to do with anyone else. and everyone in it who are true friends and understand even if you havent 100% agreed with our lifestyle understood him being the provider and me basically being a homemaker for the past year and a half and still had respect enough to realize that its our life and desicion its very appresiated. but i was just told i have dug nate into a hole that every problem in our life is my fault. well my reaction to this accusation is fuck that! even without working i have still provided a decent percentage of our food and when what he has for us isnt enough make ends meet and take all that and turn it into something as my part he brings home the bacon and i cook it. i never have forced him into this life he wants to be here with me. he wants what i have to offer as much as i want his. and he has expressed himself he wouldnt be where he is without me. and i am not saying this like "im the shit" but, we both appreciate what we have done and will continue to do for each other. cause i also know i wouldnt be where i am without him either. when he decided to ask me to marry him basically he knew what this was lol. im not the best person to financially rely on and in spite of that he still wanted me. he chose me. we on multiple occasions have discussed our life because people who have claimed to be our friends have said terrible and hutful things about us. and when they do we discuss it because if he agrees i would have gracefully bowed down as his girlffriend a long time ago. he always said without a second thought baby dont leave, for me. now apperently it is socially unexceptable to be a married couple where two individuals vow to live the rest of their days together as one. and now we will be a family. if anyone else has something to say to me say it now because i'll be damned if after my son is born someone tries to put me, my husband or my son down because no one understands any concept that isn't "look out for number one". get over yourselves people and heres your last chance to try (key word try) to make me feel like shit as a person, or a wife or a mother. because i refuse to have to defend myself after i become a mother

ok, so if someone tells you they have a terminal illness and its not true i know everyone would be pissed. but, if you finally call said person out on it and they still claim the lie as truth would you be more pissed about the original lie or the one where they completely insult your intelligence by thinking they can still get away with the lie. my statement doesn't really make to much sense but, i am so livid right now i almost got into a fist fight over this situation because words don't seem to make a damned difference to this person who wants to do nothing but take advantage of every single person around them just because they can. to hurt them with lies, because they can. i really don't even know what to do with myself right now because this person is involved with my family and they are way to kind to do anything. im sick of watching someone walk all over them like this. for anyone whos met my parents they are genuinely good people and don't deserve this treatment. and im not saying this just cause they are my parents but because its fact. and i hate feeling like at any moment i may do something i dont want to do and is completely out of character for me. its not pleasant and i dont know what to do with it honestly.

i went to the doctor on wednesday and i am almost 6 weeks pregnant. nate and i are moving the wedding date not sure to what yet. ill keep everyone updated.

so thursday we pt in the money for the wedding so the venue is all taken care of next step invatations. im so excited. july 2,2010 we have the hall from 3 til 11.

so kimba is very pregnant again right when we were going to get her fixed and found out she is prego so fuck that sucks. we kicked John out Kati is moving in with da baby which rocks my socks and alison is temporarily flopping on da couch for a fee. which makes us 100% safe for rent and everything (i's hope) nate and i are great his court date is tomorrow and i hope that goes well and we kidsa has internets cuz of alison so its temporary as well which is better than non existent and my mom has a facebook and is having way to much fun with it. i have decided way to many people are way to twofaced than i can except and am quite upset about it and have in the past week or so told bout 10 people to leave me alone cause if everything they say is a lie i really dont want to hear it. thats my life and my story i am stickin to its.

So in the past week I have gotten about 20 hours of sleep, had almost no food, had my medicine stolen from me, been a chauffeur for good cause but, it is still straining, gotten into an argument with nate cause i want to kick john out and nate wont let me and all of this seems so miniscule compare to the worst of it. Monday I woke up and I was lying next to Pugsley my 5 week old kittten and he wan't alive any longer. and i punched a wall while guilt full and broke my knuckles. i am having the worst week of my life and its not getting any better.

soooo...lj tells me its been 13 weeks since ive updated so its time to do so again i suppose lol. well really all thats happened is ive been a real fucking loner lately. i've decided with the way people are becoming that its better for me to just stay home. (im not saying all people cause obviously i give a damn if you are on my friends list and stuff). But mostly ive been at home usually alone watching the same movies over and over. but don't feel bad for me tho I am upset that to do this ive been neglecting friends i actually want to see ive been doing good. nate and i are engaged planning o haveing the wedding july 2, 2010 if all works out and im all applied for disability so hopefully that works out for me. the only person i am ever really around is kati and da baby cause hes just tooooo cute. i go to kareoke every monday night at ruiz in florissant and everyother weekend we gets ahnika who is also toooo cute. but if i havent seen u in a while and u want to contact me do so... i have given up on trying because im not sure who is just ignoring me or is truely to busy. number is still the same 477-9332. love u all.

friday im having my bday party. call me if u want to go...i dont want lots of ppl here cuz its at my apartment and its tiny. so if i say no please do not be upset its just cuz theres to many people. saturday is my actual bday and i am going to the drinking horn i think so call me if u wanna go there to. 314-477-9332 as an update i am doing relatively good. ive had some bad things latelly i was diognosed with fibromyalgia and i am waith]ing for a heart monitor that i will have to wear all the time and because of all of this my doctors are still telling me i cant work which sucks but its impossible to find a job now as it is so i guess its saving me the stress of constant job rejection. but luckily i guess fibromyalgia is recognized as a disabilty supposedly so i am working on all of that as well. thats my bad news stuff which isnt new its just names added to on going issues. as far as happy stuff goes not only is it my bday soon but i am actually really happy. nate and are are (not only as a figure of speech) BETTER THAN EVER! i mean because of our past that u all know about i could never fully put myself in our relationship because it was a rocky begining and now we have financial problems but we are steady we have everything we need and can also afford to support our bad habits. so i mean thats good. and after a long time of withdrawing myself because im afraid to get hurt i finally realized to just let everything take its natural course. i am madly in love with him and him with me. we may not be talking about or even hoping for white dreeses and isles but, we are in love and i think it took me so long to even try to believe it for any reason that as soon as i decided i didnt care if we were in love i realized how much we are....whoa sorry i went on a mushy tangent i appologize. i just feel like a huge weight recently was lifted off of my shoulders and i feel amazing as of late. even with all of the bad things in life i have my love, i have amazing friends food in my belly and a roof over my head and i decided no matter how much i wanted that to m=not be enough because i refused to believe that life could be that simple it is.

so nate decided he needs something new but wants to still be with me. and its all because gypsii and christmas broke up and he wants to date her. and she iniciated it. so i obviously am no longer friends with her anymore and the thing is her and aj r on a break and the first thing she does is go after his best friend and my boyfriend. so from monday til thursday night i will not be here while i think and i wont have the phone. but if u need me u can call it and nate will know where i am so he can let me know u called. i feel completely broken heart mind and soul. i can't handle this. he wants to date other people and i told him until i change my mind he gets a month and thats it. i cant trust anyone anymore. and the few i could are leaving or already gone. i hate myself for letting this happen i should have never have fallen for him and once this is over im done. i don't ever want to fall in love again. this is all it brings and i can't do this again. EVER! im completely gone.

So Nate and I are moving into a 2 bedroom townhouse in St. Peters in begining- mid August. and our 1 year anniversary is July 2nd. So I am all kinds of excited. well im bored constantly so people should call me and hang out sometime.

so im working at taco bell again...my kitty had kittens 5 of em. and we are trying to get rid of them if anyones interested. but beside that i have nothing. my life is boring.

so kimba is in labor...so far 5 kittens. yay for kittens

so i saved a 5 week old puppy and its staying at my parents. he is a black lab st. bernard mix and his name is rollie like from 101 dalmations cause hes fat n looks like him

this is an actual journal entry so if u only read ljs for updates then this won't be very interesting
ive decided to make a wish list that would be goals but i feel like i don't have control over it

-i wish that since we probably aren't able to move out yet we can use the bit of money to for sure go to acen
-i wish that nate won't stay at christmas' house all night sunday because i can't sleep without him here
-i wish that i was feeling better so i could pick my check up from otg cause nate and i don't have food or money
-i wish that i could go to my doctor so i could get "fixed"
-i wish i didn't worry so much
-i wish that my life didn't seem so empty except for him
-i wish that i didn't have to wait for everything
-i wish that i wasn't still sick so i could get a job that i could keep -i wish that i didn't have to fuck up every h good thing and relationship that i have so that all this won't matter

so friday morning will told us we have til sunday morning to get out...sooo instead of having an extra 5 days we had no time at all. luckily bubbles assisted me in packing. so nate and I are back at his parents house for now. but its kinda shitty he gave us 2 days warning "i know you both work but u have 48 hours to leave...such bs. im kind of pissed right now...n i confronted nate about his lying to me about kristi. i was drunk n he was telling me he wants to put a picture of her on our wall. and i just blatenly said fuck no. i restrained myself quite a bit because trust me i have plenty more to say about their so called "friendship". but i can't control his life but i did tell him if he wants to see her and im not at work he has to tell me. if im at work he has to tell me that he did like asap. because i dont like or trust that girl. someone who your bf is in love with and she has admitted she'll do about anything to break us up how can i trust the "friendship"? sorry i know everyone has heard all this but this is my only journal and im tired of holding shit in all the time.

so its my birthday techincally yayness...uhhh like i posted b4 saturday im havin a party so call me and come to it.

saturday the 16th will be my bday party call me on nates cell to lemme know if u wanna go.u know the rules no drama n dont bring anyone i dont like.

i just gots my $2500 check today woohoo. and i got a job yesterday everything is looking up lately.